A penalty shoot-out is the worst way to loose a soccer game. Mano-a-mano with the goalie sounds like a great idea, but PKs are a stressful, unfair way to end two hours of evenly matched football. Especially when your team’s captain, widely regarded as the finest footballer of his generation, does something idiotic in the second period of overtime—like, say, losing his temper and heatbutting a player from the opposing team—and gets himself ejected ten minutes before the last game of his professional career rolls into a shoot-out.

Zizou, did you really come out of retirement only to be red-carded in the 110th minute?

Needless to say, I wanted to make a Kick in the Pants to celebrate that particularly stupid piece of work, but alas, it involves the defunct Forbidden Fruit. Second place goes to the Kicker Cocktail—just like the second place finish secured by France.

1 1/2 oz light rum
3/4 oz Calvados or apple brandy
1/4 oz sweet vermouth

Stir in a mixing glass with ice; strain into a cocktail glass and serve.

After one of these, you won’t care who lost the World Cup. You probably won’t even care that some team won, or that the game happened at all. I am guessing that the velocity at which this drink strikes is about the same at which Zizou nailed Materazzi in the chest with his forehead, so things have evened out in the end.

Most importantly, this little drink has taught me a lesson: if it looks like apple juice and it smells like apple juice, it isn’t necessarily apple juice so be careful.